I, – Khushi Kumari Gupta – sit in the fairly empty library, with sounds nothing above a murmur. It describes my life, I am alone. There is no one in my blank palette of a life. This is all because of one mistake, my mistake.
I would be lying if I said that I didn’t wish things were different. Looking at all those couples makes me long for someone special too. There was once someone, but he’s long gone.
No one would be able to tell if we would have still been together but I guess none of it matters because I didn’t give us a chance.
I wouldn’t say I was influenced but instead I would say; I was afraid. I was afraid of it all, I was young and not ready; mentally or emotionally.
I still remember, the morning in school when Arnav Singh Raizada told me he liked me; I was completely caught off guard. I couldn’t say a word, I felt like I had lost my voice so I replied by smiling shyly. After a few minutes passed I recovered and I answered, “I like you too.” We held hands and spoke for the rest of that day till school ended.
Over those last few months, he made me laugh, smile… He was everything and more. We spoke to each other on the phone and sms chatted all the time; inseparable might have been the term to describe us.
Graduation time rolled by; we graduated side by side. This was when he moved away to further his studies while I remained in our hometown to continue my studies. Even though we could not physically see each other, we were always in each other’s thoughts. We always looked forward to the evenings after college, where we would speak for hours and hours about our days, our likes, dislikes… everything.
He used to tell me that he loved me and instantly I would reply to him that I loved him too. I was not certain if I meant what I was saying or if I said it just because I was supposed to give him a reply.
I can’t remember when exactly or why exactly, but I stopped responding to his messages and his calls.
That’s a question I still ask myself. The answer is something beyond my reach. Looking back it seems like a blur, just a dream…
When I broke off all ties with him, he didn’t take no for an answer. Every day I was sure to receive a call or a get a text. And always he would get no response. As the years passed by the calls and messages got less frequent until it entirely stopped.
Then one day out of the blue I heard he was back in our hometown. Ironically we ended up seeing each other. I wanted to run away when I saw him, but I stood frozen. From the moment he saw me, he started walking towards me, I looked down in fear.
I could feel his gaze on me as he came closer. He spoke in a monotone, “What did I do?” I looked up for the first time. Seeing him, I wanted to burst into tears.
He looked slightly different; he donned light stubble now, he had a scar above his eye. His boyish features were gone but one thing didn’t change; his eyes. They still pierced into your soul in the same way it did many years before.
There was an uncanny silence. After a few minutes he understood I didn’t have an answer, so he started over. I still remember him saying, hey, how are you?’ It was like we were meeting for the first time all over again. I gave a feeble smile and replied, good, you?’
We spoke for the remaining of the evening. From that day we spoke and texted frequently. AS FRIENDS.
Occasionally we met, or ran into each other or things of that sort. I’ve always kept a safe distance. Whenever we crossed paths we would smile and talk for a minute or two. Our eyes reflected that brightness that only happened when we saw each other.
I don’t know if he forgave me or ever will… nor do I or could I muster the courage to tell him what I feel or that I’m terribly sorry for hurting him like that.
“IF only…he’d listen to my words
And IF only I could speak them.”
I do know he moved on with his life and I, I am still stuck. I smile on the outside but inside I am breaking.
I repeat, – I Khushi Kumari Gupta – sit in the fairly empty library, with sounds nothing above a murmur. It describes my life, I am alone. There is no one in my blank palette of a life. This is all because of one mistake, my mistake.
I sit in this empty library
Wishing someone was next to me.
He lingers in my mind,
If only he knew.
If only I spoke.
If only… things were different.